Deep breath and PUFF

I've been thinking about how much of a pain in the ass (hee hee, literally) it is to give our cocktail. You know which one I'm talking about right? The three shots in the bum of Haldol/Ativan/Benadryl we use to chemically sedate patients who are out of control. You've got to draw them up, label them somehow so you can document what went where in the body, don gloves and THEN step into a room with a person who is usually psychotic and pissed off and shoot them up when they're at their angriest. It's like sticking a banana up the nose of a bull during a bullfight...it just aint right.

So here are my proposed new methods of infusing Ativan (or insert your favorite med here) into the world without actually having contact with the patient.

1. Ativan blow darts. Man o man would we have fun with this one. Anytime a patient is getting rowdy just suck in some air and puff in the general direction and WHAM, they'll go down like one of those elephants who has escaped from the circus (Note to self, must spend hours of practice on aim on my children during the "witching hour").

2. Ativan rectal gel. We do it was valium, why not Ativan? Just grease up the inside of the patients johnny pants and wait them out. In my experience psych patients really like to talk and talk and talk, so just let them do their thing while the jelly works its way up. This could also be a handy payback joke to the local paramedics. Just a little on the ambulance seat and you're golden.

3. Ativan cool mist. I envision a switch behind the desk where you can simply turn it on and watch the calmness wash over the patient. This can also double as the "Cool Your Jets" Room for fellow nurses, physicians, PAs, and NPs who are just having a really tough day. Or any family member who needs to simmer down. Or anyone from administration. Or, well, I'll stop there because I think this one could go on and on. Why not just put an Ativan mist in every room in the hospital? I'm SURE that would increase our satisfaction scores.

4. Ativan laced Turkey sandwiches. Because everyone who is in our department wants breakfast/lunch/dinner this would be a very easy way to sneak in some sedatives. Note to self, LABEL laced and non-laced varieties or nursing staff will be incompacitated.

Those are my top 4 choices. If you think of more, please don't hesitate to write me and share. Some day, our fantasy may become a reality. Though, we'd really have to come up with some pretty strict policies on when you can use these, because I have a sneaking suspicion that if we had Ativan blow darts it would be way too much fun to resist using at least a few times a shift :)