Mommy Nurse Wife and 25!

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Deep breath and PUFF

I've been thinking about how much of a pain in the ass (hee hee, literally) it is to give our cocktail. You know which one I'm talking about right? The three shots in the bum of Haldol/Ativan/Benadryl we use to chemically sedate patients who are out of control. You've got to draw them up, label them somehow so you can document what went where in the body, don gloves and THEN step into a room with a person who is usually psychotic and pissed off and shoot them up when they're at their angriest. It's like sticking a banana up the nose of a bull during a bullfight...it just aint right.

So here are my proposed new methods of infusing Ativan (or insert your favorite med here) into the world without actually having contact with the patient.

1. Ativan blow darts. Man o man would we have fun with this one. Anytime a patient is getting rowdy just suck in some air and puff in the general direction and WHAM, they'll go down like one of those elephants who has escaped from the circus (Note to self, must spend hours of practice on aim on my children during the "witching hour").

2. Ativan rectal gel. We do it was valium, why not Ativan? Just grease up the inside of the patients johnny pants and wait them out. In my experience psych patients really like to talk and talk and talk, so just let them do their thing while the jelly works its way up. This could also be a handy payback joke to the local paramedics. Just a little on the ambulance seat and you're golden.

3. Ativan cool mist. I envision a switch behind the desk where you can simply turn it on and watch the calmness wash over the patient. This can also double as the "Cool Your Jets" Room for fellow nurses, physicians, PAs, and NPs who are just having a really tough day. Or any family member who needs to simmer down. Or anyone from administration. Or, well, I'll stop there because I think this one could go on and on. Why not just put an Ativan mist in every room in the hospital? I'm SURE that would increase our satisfaction scores.

4. Ativan laced Turkey sandwiches. Because everyone who is in our department wants breakfast/lunch/dinner this would be a very easy way to sneak in some sedatives. Note to self, LABEL laced and non-laced varieties or nursing staff will be incompacitated.

Those are my top 4 choices. If you think of more, please don't hesitate to write me and share. Some day, our fantasy may become a reality. Though, we'd really have to come up with some pretty strict policies on when you can use these, because I have a sneaking suspicion that if we had Ativan blow darts it would be way too much fun to resist using at least a few times a shift :)

197 Comments:

  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger Kim said…

    Oh, this is hilarious! LOL! I can't think of any other way...I think you have all bases covered, but my favorite is the laced turkey sandwich! LOLOL!

     
  • At 12:21 PM, Blogger Kim said…

    Oh, this is hilarious! LOL! I can't think of any other way...I think you have all bases covered, but my favorite is the laced turkey sandwich! LOLOL!

     
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  • At 7:02 PM, Anonymous jen said…

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  • At 7:28 AM, Blogger Prisca said…

    omg--i am laughing so hard right now...

    QUICK--get a patent on your ideas! ;)

     
  • At 6:42 PM, Anonymous Kaliki said…

    Hi! In hospice, we actually have compounded Ativan cream, which is applied to the inner wrists. And Ativan Intensol, which is liquid 2mg/ml. I have always fantisized about putting the ativan cream at the bedside and telling the whole family it is really good for their skin, you know, the hospital environment is so dry! Or atomized Ativan which spritzes out into the air evey so often.

     
  • At 10:23 PM, Blogger DisappearingJohn said…

    actually, we've all joked about the Valium flavored water fountain in the waiting room.

    I also remember the joke about "You might be an ER nurse if...you believe in the arial spraying of Prozac...

     
  • At 4:06 AM, Blogger PJ said…

    You can now get automatic spraying airfresheners that spray ever 10-60min (used in hospital, factory toilet fac.) Why not combine with the last comment with canned prozac. And market it only through nurse blogs as insta-calm, snooze spray, 'glad' (for nurses)air (a brand in Aust.)

    What about in deoderent, free samples for all visiting patients and families. You then get the required skin contact.

     
  • At 2:36 PM, Blogger deadrose said…

    Heh, my SO and I have been wishing for the darts for years. Get a nice pro dartgun and take a walk downtown. Ativan darts for the generally obnoxious, a little Thorazine for the florid psychotics. Sure would have helped a week or two ago when that guy was shot for attacking passersby in downtown Seattle.

     
  • At 4:51 AM, Blogger Brittney said…

    From experience--blow darts aren't the way to go. Using a teleject dart gun would be more pratical, gives you a better range, and the added benifit of not passing out after darting the patient. :-)

    What can I say, I used to be on the dart team when I was a zookeeper.

     
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